Elephant in the room

Having been “plus size” most of my life, I have never loved my body. Because I had large breasts I got away with being a little bigger as it was easy to hide my belly. In school, kids would make fun of me because I was c cup at age 13 and was never sized properly or bought correct fitting bras so they would spill from everywhere and get uncomfortable. At age 17 I was given the opportunity to have a breast reduction on the NHS because i had hit a size GG and they were effecting my back and confidence but my mother refused to drive me to swansea to the meeting because she didn’t agree with my decision and at the time, I had no other way to get there and no one who was prepared to take care of me after the operation so it just wasn’t an option. Very soon after this was meant to happen, I fell pregnant with my daughter and my body changed even more. By 18 I hated everything about my body and social media made it worse. I was a teenage mother with stretch marks and scars from a c section, excess weight from pregnancy and breasts that just wouldn’t stop growing. My weight had never been something I thought about, Id never been on a diet and didn’t know anything about nutrition as I was raised on food from a chip fat fryer and knew no better. After some postnatal depression my weight crept up even further. It wasn’t until I went back to work when my daughter was 2 that I noticed my body was changing and the weight loss had my confidence growing. After being in a couple of toxic relationships, I noticed I had gained even more weight so I started cutting out snacks and eating less. I was still considered overweight on the bmi scale and was always on the curvier side but it didn’t bother me. Soon after I lost some weight, I met my wife and as most couples do, we gained weight together choosing to stay in with takeaways and showering each other with treats out of love. Within 2 years, we were both unhappy with the amount we had gained so decided to reach out to get some help. We joined slimming world. With the incentive of being able to access fertility treatment to expand out family if we hit target, it was easy. 6 months later we were within the bmi needed to start treatment. We were one of those ridiculously lucky couples and my wife fell pregnant first time with twins! This is where everything changed with our relationship with our bodies. As lucky as we were, one of our babies wasn’t. She had complications from the very beginning and the years of medical intervention she needed to keep her alive took its toll on us in every way imaginable and all through this we were also trying to raise a new-born and 10 year old from a Ronald McDonald room on our own. Needless to say, we stopped worrying about how we looked and lived in survival mode where food became our best friend. The weight piled on quickly and people were quick to notice and comment. This definitely made it worse. It almost became a game to rebel. Once our daughter came home from hospital, we then had the challenge of learning a new way of life. We had to have extensive training and then recruit carers and train them ourselves. We spent 99% of our time at home or in the hospital because she had another infection. There was no time for cooking or even thinking of nutrition. More weight piled on. Looking back I truly believe I was addicted to processed foods. Good day meant movie night with all the snacks, bad day meant takeaway and chocolate. Everything could be fixed with food. When our daughter was well enough, we tried to go back to slimming world but the addictions were too strong and we failed every time. This would just make us feel even more like failures. Our daughters body wasn’t working correctly and here we are with our health and we were slowly killing ourselves. I started looking at surgery. We were both morbidly obese and could apply on the NHS but who would look after the children as well as each other while recovering? Not a possibility. Our children have high care needs and neither of us could do this alone for weeks without a breakdown. Next we tried several online fads. Pills, teas, supplements. Nothing worked. One afternoon I came across a video on a new drug called saxsender. It was an injection ( I HATE needles) and was expensive. At first i dismissed it. Why would anyone inject themselves with some crazy drug and spend all that money on something that probably wasn’t even safe?! Crazy right? As we all know, when you look something up on your phone it then sends you a million posts about it. I started reading more about the drug, what it does and who can use it. Not all was as it seemed. This particular drug had been used for years for people with diabetes but had only just been regulated to use for weight loss. I then reached out to a friend who had used it before and she was very complimentary about it. My wife and I sat down and talked about if this is something we wanted to try. We had to budget carefully because we both wanted to try it and some friends and family didn’t agree with it but still we persevered. In January 2023 we started a saxenda course. Within a month we both noticed that the cravings were going, although the side effects were not pleasant. Nausea, heart burn and feeling very tired. Still we continued as it was working. In March 2023 a new drug called ozempic was released for weightloss. After reading about this drug, it had better results and was slightly cheaper so we moved over to the new drug and very quickly we started losing weight. By July 2023 we made the decision to come off the injections to save some money for Christmas. We maintained the weight loss we had managed in the months before all over Christmas and new year thanks to an amazing fittness group we joined called gladiator camp. Excercise is so underated! Come January we talked and agreed we would like to lose a little more before we come off them for good so January 2024 we started the newer drug that had been approved for weight loss called mounjaro. This has by far been the best drug we have tried. The side effects are minimal and the effects are almost immediate. We have little to no appetite and if you eat fatty foods, your body soon lets you know with nausea. Its given us the chance to replace fatty processed foods with healthy whole foods and our sugar cravings are gone completely. One of the biggest worries for us was monthly cost but the money we have saved on shopping, takeaways and meals out is more than the treatment by far. Since starting my journey I have gone from 16st 9lbs to this mornings weigh in at 10st 5lbs. I was a dress size 22 and I now wear a size 12-14. My wife has done even better than me but I wont be sharing her results as its not my place. There is a stigma surrounding these drugs and its almost viewed as cheating because you didn’t lose it the hard way but what chance do people have when you start to realise what big companies are putting in our food and all the back handed ways advertising is used to get you addicted to processed foods?! Its no wonder we need help to break the cycle and rid our bodies of these severe cravings of foods our bodies are not built to eat. After reading ultra processed people by Chris Van Tulleken, my views on food have completely changed and I don’t see using these drugs as taking the easy way out but giving people the tools they need to break free from a life of addiction. I have now finished my last injection and don’t plan on losing anymore weight however I still have a long way to go to accepting my new body. With rapid weight loss comes excess skin and new flaws I didn’t know I had. My journey isn’t over, its just beginning but at least Im facing it healthy and with the knowledge I need to make better choices. For anyone wanting to try these drugs, we highly recommend the company rightangled. They have been first class service from the beginning and everything you need to know is on their website.

Silence speeks volumes

Its been a while, and the truth isn’t what I wanted. I could probably come up with a million excuses but its simple. I’m struggling. Even though I have an army of ways I have learnt to get myself out of this mind-set, I have found myself drifting back to old habits. Right now, life is getting on top of me and I need to stop before it snowballs. Stuff I could normally deal with day to day is exhausting and motivation to do anything (even the things I love) is gone. I am scared. Its time for a reset. If I don’t hold myself accountable then I know where this goes and it only gets harder to COME back from. I need a plan so I am going to share it with you in the hope it gives me motivation and maybe a little support because Im not great with asking for help and you never know, it might help someone else who needs to know they are not alone. Lets starts with the basics... SLEEP. Not much can be changed about this in particular because Marlowe and Henley have been poorly and I have been needed in the night more then usual so this will have to stay the same for now until they have recovered. FOOD. Old habits really do never die. Due to illness and feeling low, meals have been a total shit show. Too many take a way’s and processed “easy food” have left me feeling bloated and fed up. Must add some extra healthy meals in at least once a day and stop bloody

eating biscuits! That’s a start. EXCERCISE. This has been really tough and think this plays a huge part in why Im feeling so low. I have gone from 4-5 intense classes a week to nothing after I was diagnosed with a bulging disc and couldn’t walk for several days. Its hit my confidence with exercise because I am super cautious because I never want to feel pain like it again. I did reach out for physio privately but never getting a reply after enquiring about the costs involved has put me off. So I have managed to get hold of a treadmill to use at home. No idea how I’m going to find the motivation to use it but at least im trying. OUTSIDE. This is problematic because the weather is terrible and wheelchair services have still not provided a rain cover for Marlowe’s wheelchair. Might have to see if I can squeeze a couple of walks in between the rain showers? RELATIONSHIPS. This week im going to make it a high priority to spend some time with my wife. Between illness, appointments, money worries, sleepless nights, home-schooling, we haven’t had a minute to just be a couple. Luckily for us, for the first time in a long time we have some respite coming up where we will be child free for 4 days and we are going away together. Much needed and hopefully will be exactly what we need after weeks of extra stress. Most of all I think its important to remind myself to change the word HAVE to GET. I am so grateful for my family and my life and although some weeks are tough, I get to experience them with the most beautiful people, my family.

Im going to leave it for now as I could go on for days about all the things I want to change but don’t want to get overwhelmed. Moral of the story is depression is never cured. Only managed by the choices we make everyday to be better, do better and try.

Natural vs Chemical?

Having shared some personal bits and bobs over the last few posts, I’m thinking its time to tackle something a little more positive and productive. Skincare is one of my favourite hobbies. Now I know it sounds weird but its something that has helped me over the last few years. From about the age of 15, I suffered with teenage acne. Like most teens will know, its brutal in so many ways and effects your confidence and your ability to feel good about yourself. Back in my day (I know I'm old) we didn’t have influencers making this sort of thing feel normal or dare I say, even beautiful. Today there is a multitude of gorgeous people embracing and showcasing acne in a much more positive light , one of the great things that came from the internet! There is also a lot more on offer in the way of treatment and understanding about the cause and effect. As you would have probably already guessed, I didn’t have a nurturing mother who jumped in to help with skincare problems either, so I did what many did back then and covered it up with as much makeup I could afford. Yes, before you say it... it made it much worse but I wasn’t to know back then. As I matured, my skin didn’t get much better. Hormonal breakouts, boils and pitting still plagued me. It wasn’t until I hit my 30s and started watching tutorials on the internet that I started getting interested in trying to repair my skin. It quickly became a obsession. Any spare money I had went on creams and ointments and I wanted to try them all. I also started washing my face and removing makeup every night without fail. My skin was improving and because of this, I became even more obsessed. In order to try some of the more expensive options, I would buy samples then if I liked the results, I would save to buy the bigger versions. Problem was, I was buying so much I never got to the end of a bottle. So many skin products were being released and I wanted to keep up, I had to have the new ones because they promised to be better then the last. All my Facebook and Instagram feed was adverts for ground-breaking skin care, guaranteed to make you feel incredible and when you have hated your skin for as long as I have, that was irresistible. Looking back now, I’m actually horrified at myself. Blindly believing in all the promises made in adverts. I never once looked up the ingredients, studies or side effects. It also never crossed my mind that my improvement could possibly just be down to the fact I was washing my face religiously and moisturising regularly. I was still experiencing breakouts but they weren’t as bad and didn’t last as long. Last year I was scrolling through tiktok and a lady called Barbara O’Neil popped up talking about the benefits of caster oil on the skin. One of the problems I have suffered with is milia (small white bumps on the skin) and Barbara was explaining that caster oil is great at breaking down lumps under the skin. Given that caster oil is about £10 a bottle it was an affordable option to try and the fact it was a natural product interested me. I wasn’t hopeful, I had tried creams that cost £200+ a jar (it was gifted it by someone who worked for Estee lauder) and I have an oily skin type so didn’t think that it was the best idea id ever had. Even after being warned on the internet not to jump right in with caster oil as it can have side effects itself, I smothered my face in it every night. Luckily I had no side effects but after about day 3 I started to see a difference in my skin texture and how makeup sat on my skin. A week later and some of the milia had gone and my skin was looking really hydrated. This wasn’t actually working right? I told myself I was just having a good skin moment. When it came to my time of the month, I normally knew a few days beforehand because my skin would breakout and look super dry (even though I have oily skin 99% of the time) but not one breakout. Straight onto google and surprised myself at how much information there was on using all natural products on the skin. The more I read, the more shocked at some of the ingredients in the products I had been using and how many people were now converting to natural products because of the horrific side effects. Formaldehyde, a known carcinogen, paraformaldehyde, a type of formaldehyde, methylene glycol, a type of formaldehyde, quaternium 15, which releases formaldehyde, mercury, which can damage the kidneys and nervous system, dibutyl and diethylhexyl phthalates, which disrupt hormones and damage the reproductive system, isobutyl and isopropyl parabens, which disrupt hormones and harm the reproductive system to name a few! I spent the next few weeks looking for social media users who were doing the same thing and there were many. Of course I wanted to try more, caster oil was great but its sticky, didn’t smell nice and not the most sexy look for an evening. There were other options and people online were making there own so that’s exactly what I did. Looking up carrier oils, herbs and essential oils as I went. It was so simple and cost loads less then the brands I had been using. The effect it was having on my skin was amazing and I even started making some for the family too. No cream I have ever tried has ever made my skin feel this healthy and considering I turn 38 this year and have had a significant weight loss recently, that’s not bad.

Its been nearly a year since I started on my natural skin journey and I can safely say, I will never buy another skin care products from a brand in my life. My bathroom cupboards are filled with natural products like rose water, aloe vera gel, shea butter and jars of home made, toxic free concoctions. Its changed the game for us in regards to skin care. My wife Ally has psoriasis and super sensitive skin and vitamin e oil has been a blessing. We also now use oils on my younger daughter who also suffers with sensitive skin and due to her additional needs, makes her face sore with repetitive touching on her face. I wish we had known sooner of all the benefits of using natural products and what sort of chemicals were allowed to be put into branded products (even in the children’s). It has led me to question other important areas in our life like pharmaceuticals, cleaning products and food. I am now looking into natural alternatives for almost everything (ill save this for another time). My eyes are being opened to the conditioning we have been subjected to in the media and online. Something is shifting in the world and people are waking up and realising what’s on offer from mother nature.

Massive thank you to @yourmategingerkate on instagram and Tiktok for all the guidance and giggles along the way. If your looking for inspiration, she is your lady!